Welcome 2007 !

So Its new year day and I am here in Office, doing nothing but blogging this piece so that you can see it.

This is the first time that I am away from home on new year day. I am missing my family today. The new year eve was not awesome coz I had no one here with whom I can hang around. My flatmates are occupied with themselves and the namesake friends are also busy somewhere.

The first day of year has its own charm and beauty. everything seems so beautiful and fresh that there is this aura which is all over you and around you to motivate you. I was driving on my bike for the first time to office and was having a feeling of satisfaction as I dint had to ride a bus to work anymore. Today there is fog, its not that dense but visibility was almost 60-70 mts. It became dense as i was approaching office as this area is open and very few buildings are there.

I will write more towards the end of day, but for now you must enjoy this day to fullest while I do some work ;)

Happy new year :) May God shower his blessing son you.

Omlette and Namaskar

It has became a routine affair to have an omlette near shipra gate no 1, whenever I manage to reach home before 8:30 PM.
The cold wind that makes me feel so insignificant in three-wheeler ride back from sector 12-22 forces me to have something hot. and what can be better than an omlette on a cold night. I usually come walking down from red light on highway. I avoid taking rickshaw for such a short distance. I go for it when I am too late and the street lights are not up. The place where I have the omlette is a rod side cart, managed by a lady, who is accompanied by his son sometimes. His son works as a driver in DPS, Inmdiarpuram. She told me once that she asks her son to go home after work instead of being here helping her out. Neverthless, some times he do comes. The lady is a bit old maybe in her 50s. Besides her cart, there is another cart which sells tobbaco, gutkha, cigarettes n related stuff. That old man, in his 50s as well is courteous. He has started recognising me. Yesterday when I was about to move after eating, I heard "Namasakar sahab" . I turned back to see and there he was smiling. I was touched. I replied namaste and then smiled and moved. It touched me coz here I am, more secure, more well off than him yet I have caught myself in so many cobwebs that I fail to be happy and enjoy life of late.

I dont know what to do, what to say. I dont know whom I can trust on. I dont know whom all to say as friends. I have bad experiences and they dont seem to leave me alone. People have betrayed me as friends all due to their evil deeds and evil nature. They are so damn evil that they even manage to keep all others on their side. AN dthis leaves me all alone fending for my self.

All alone, will keep fending for myself

Nike

It was one fine morning, which was going to be screwed like always in the bus ride to office. The bus being, famous 34. For me it is infamous.

Wearing brand new nike shoes which are white n grey in color. I was standing in a corner, to get away from everyone, in order to protect my loving shoes from mud n dirt n from getting trampled down by any one :)

But that bus gets so damn packed at sector 37 bus top that when that flood of ppl ride the bus from there, some idiot landed directly on my right foot :( n obviously on my shoe. I dont know whether he knew that I am going to wear my new shoes today and he was waiting in some mud to color my shoes brown completely. I was speechless, thinking what to say. I kept my cool and asked him gently to remove his foot. He apologised. I said its ok. I was in a fit of rage but still maintained my cool as it was not his fault. He didnt did it purposefully.

I fall apart!

Here I am, all apart.

3 Doors Down

It was a long time since last time I heard this band. The songs are really grt.. I dont know about their allslbums but "Seventeen Days" is what I have and all songs in this are worth listening. Special mention goes to "Here without you".

I have to soak clothes for washing them tommorow morning. That means I will have to wake up at 6:30 tomnmorow morning. I have some other things to attend to also. I have to take some documents and then I have to press my clothes. Maybe I will have to get up at 6:00 AM. Yup that will be allright.

Manas is linkg the book. He has already read near about 150 pages! Wow.. By the way he is reading "Freedom at midnight". I myself havent read so many pages since I got the book!

I am busy completing "India unbound" at present. And after that I think I will go for iCON and then I will go for "To kill amockingbird". Oh its a long wait list down there. And I have to buy some books also. I ahve to search for "iWOZ" and then I have to buy AMitav Ghosh's books.. I need to read them. I ahve heard too much about him. I missed the discounted Jack Welch. Lazy me :(

But I am happy that I am keeping my promise, actually better than that. I had decided to buy a book a month. I end up buying more than one in a month. Hmmm my collection is increasing slowly.

What !!!

What is that something which is unkown to thyself. And you always elude that thing..maybe you think that its good to leave something as it is. You know today I am in mod of writting something..better put anything..may make no sense at all....So its up to you to leave here at his point or to continue...To those who are leaving at this point..keep checking for new posts for an invigorating read..

So welcome to all who are still with me :) We all have faced confusionn seeked suggestions from someone. Isnt it? At some point of time. This situation can be defined as "When we know the answer but we wish we didnt!" Isnt it true. Coz when someone gives you suggestion, even then you are not that ready to follow it or go by it. You again and again query for another suggestion or you ask the person that "Is he sure?" "Should I go ahead?". "Nahi yaar! I dont feel so..please think again"

Isnt it?

Heart

Heart is hurt. Spell it..ya comeone spell it aloud. You know what will happen? Most of those around you wil hear it as 'Heart is Heart' and think so what? One or two of that set will hear it as 'Heart is hurt!'
Ahhh that hearts!! Isnt it so? An d I will come in the latter set. Hey comeone its not that I need to get my ears checked but its normal human psychology that you hear and see what you want or in loose terms whats going on with you as a person. We relate and start seeing everything to our peoblems and start questioning every other thing. Ridiculous, you will say. But for me it isnt ridiculous at all! When I became paranoid, someone said tome that you are just going insane. Nothing gonna happen. I said to that person that theres something which will be visible to you at a later stage but my intuition has let me see it now. I was mocked in a sense at that time. But my intuition was right and I questioned back the person, who was speechless.

Anyways I had this status today "Heart has reasons which reasons dont understand" on gtalk today. A college friend asked me about its messgae? She was curious as to why I have kept this message and what do I want to convey? Hehe she know that I kinda love philosophical n baffling status messages and writtings :)

I had promised her that its better that I write it as a blog. So here I am.

Hey knowingly unknowingly ut has turned into a nice preface ;)

Heart has reason which reason dont understand. So lets crack it out. What the hell I wanted to say? Better put what I have meant to say.

Heart has reasons, yup it has thats y the blind heart falls in love without seeing the caste, creed color, religion, status. It doenot knows at all that the person it has started liking will ever like it or not? Or does that person already likes someone or not? Bloody heart. It commits a mistakeon its part and I have to bear that pain till my heart pumps that last RBC WBC and platelets. The reason here is that there is someone whom you start liking without even giving a thought to consequences. These are the reasons and these are the bloody reasons which reason given my our fucked up society and its inhabitants dont understand. They will want the same caste. Now what the hell in this world a caste has to do? Does it makes one superman? and the other a mean creature of filth? No it doesnot. But the reasons have created a stratum, a virtual hierarchy where someone rules the others by virtue of nothingness. So sad about Hindu religion. Despite being the richest religion in every aspect, one stigma is caste system. This is one of the reasons. The other important resaon is redionalism. After you pass caste test there comes region. Hey which state you belong to? And after that which region of that state you belong to? Comeon people its not that all Biharis are goons and nomads and all delhites are damn smart n intelligent. Its not so. Delhi is far ahead in unruliness and abuses and gundagardi and Bihar is way too ahead in intelligence.

Hah heart has reason which reason wont ever understand. Never ever. And now I dont want to give my heart a second blow. I am not able to survive the first blood shot. It has left me nowhere but I am learning to live with it somehow.

I may end up in dark but now that will be preffered. A solace but no more association. Now my heart also knows this fact. Theres no place for true love in this world. Heart himself will never fall in love again, even if I want it to do so!

happy hearting!!

Sybase

Today i was alienated from Oracle and put to Sybase. I dont know what sin i had commited that all ills are happening with me. First i was alloted the database group and then i got sybase :(

It happens all the time I get what i never want. The worst is always for me. God has some enemity and he has always something ready for me.

But I want to tell him that I am not that rat who will succumb to the injuries given by him and I wont die to the tests he always wants on me. I will rise and rise more than anyone can and I will show God and this world that better dont prick me, otherwise in the long run it will be you who will be laughed at and not me. I vow to be resilient, to be more aggressive in my work and I challenge eveyone that I will and am going to win all the appreciations and certifications n awards which have been instituted here in my organization.

I will show that i was not that mute spectator to anarchy, to the partial treatment to the inhuman approach and to the evils.

Achtung

It hurts

Now at this corner, it really hurts. When u dont see neone caring about you, from whom u expected. I have written such stuff, but today also i felt so down.
Now i am fearful of just the word.."Friend"... They dont wanna give a damn..after all i am not of their status. They are above me and they feel it so i have been left alone.Is it going to be for something good?
I fear....

Yes I do partiality. So what?

These words are not mine. Come on. Can it be? No, never. A person deserves them and who may be iterating them to his conscience. He is someone who is at a position he never deserved. He has never inspired me nor he can in future. But one things for sure, I see him and I start to believe that yes luck is something. And that bloody luck can work wonders for you. It can take you to the heights you never dreamed of, and at the very same time it can take you to the depths you have only read in fantasies. I have heard that its hard work that matters and I firmly believe that its solely hard work and ur pure approach towards that hard work that matters. Neverthless I have witnessed many who dint deserved what they got, they used unfair means to reach ahead. All those times, I was a mute spectator as I also believed that God is there and he will not leave any of those. So I kept mum. But yes I have wept when I was alone, not coz others succeded but coz I failed where I shouldnt have failed.
So I was talking about some person X. Now onwards I am gonna refer to him as X.

So it was post summer of 2003, to be precise month of July, when I saw Mr X. There was an important course that he was going to take. The course is one of the backbones of CSE. It was very important as it was going to form the base for all future courses. Anyways so here is Mr X. We had entered the second year of our college life. Seniors said that he is a very good fellow, he teaches very well and blah blah. Actually we had our first insight of Mr X as soon as we entererd college. When we had joined he was taking the same subject of our seniors and when the seniors were going for first minor, we saw them carrying books. We wondered!! And we came to know that the exam is open book! to our surprise!! And when the marks came, it was again to our surprise. Everyone in the class got in the range of 0.25 - 2 out of 15. What this guy has done? What has he asked in the paper? these all things we used to ask among friends. never mind, now it was our turn to bite the bullet. As the course started I was not at all comforatble as he used a totally different approach. he refrained us from consulting books. Never taught what was supposed to taught and always focussed on what should have been a part of some other course! There were some brilliant students in our class and they were really brilliant. They were catching up with him, but most of us faltered. All those students were in his eyes for all good resons and their intelligence. But herefrom started what shouldnt have been. A partial approach in lectures, labs and tutorials. I will write another blog about that. But after the start of that semester he said that he is leaving this institute and going to join some good college. Now the college he had said that he will be joining wa sreally good. We were ignorant, I must say ignorant as we tried to stop him. one thing I regret, I signed the applciation which was floating in the class to make him stay here. And he stopped, and we regretted. Till date , we are regretting :(
So as the semester progressed we were learning nothing but MS Word and story telling :) Every one was slowly n slowly turning into a story teller as we had to write stories and we had to think. Think without any base. And he started showing partial approach to us. I am not envying those good students. But from whom he considered "The Brilliant Set" one was the most undeserving. Some of us a re still clueless as to why Mr X praises him so much. He praises him n gives his examples.
He took advanced version of the course in 4th semester and the lab assistants he had for the course knew nothing,except one, and they were also praising some and always humiliating others for the charges of stealing, copying and all rubbish. Some people were influencing lab intructors to gain unethical marks. Any how Mr X thought that only some persons deserved his attention and his colleauge's attention. So we were left unattended, which led to disinterest in the subjects he taught and ur understanding of those subjects suffered.
He is still practising his partial approaches. He thinks highly of two. These two are very special for him. He arranged job for both of them at his personal level. Now he is forwarding resumes of some set of persons determined by him and one of his most loyal student for a top notch company. The criterion for getting a chance to forward you resume. The first is that you should have attended hi course in 6th semester and intersect this set with the set which his most loyal student maintains. The set maintaines by his most loyal student is of his friends. So If you are in the intersection of these two sets, then you lucky man. See luck came here too! and then only you will get a chance to try for an employment with that dream company.

No i dint get a chance. ANd i feel good about it. I dont even want that chance given by Mr X. I am capable enough that I can search oppurtunities on myself. And that will give me satisfaction, personal peace which I feel is most important. cause I am not one of those who have forked tongue. I am not a hypocrat.

I am just myself and I am proud of it.

The Lost

And when I turn back to see..I see nothing...Theres a nothingness thats engulfing me... Why the hell r ppl here so cunning..y cant every one be fair to every other? Y do u have to show ur two headed persona every time?
Cant u live a a simple being? Y is it so that u r jealous of every other person near u? Y cant u get happiness in ur friends happiness? Y r u presenting a pretty face when at the innards u r just a damn ugly entity. Hey y cant u figure out that beauty is not all determined by the exterior looks but its the beauty of ur interior..ur thoughts ..ur mind... I know u wont listen to this even now..Coz u dont wanna change...

I want to steer ahead of this f***ing world ..where very few care for others..U may be standing in a mob of friends but ther will be very few who will stand behind you....very few to give u that bit of emotional strength u will look up to at times...

I have lost....lost battles ..lost "so-called" friends...but i think that its good be alone rather than having a bunch of idiots besides you who are not considering u a friend.....they are just their for their own motives...

Will be Happy this way coz I know I will have someone by my side..throught my life...and I m too gonna stand for that someone thru my last breath....

Cheers for 'YOU'

The Forgotten

I have failed to erase it completely from my mind. The thoughts and the flashbacks continue to haunt me. The anger alleviates and it pulls me from these disturbing surroundings and thoughts. Thanks to the anger inside me. Thanks to the latent hatred for them inside me. I have not been so bad to them either. This hatred has aggravated due to their deeds only. Time and again I tried to sanitize this all. But they never wanted to be with us, they never wanted to leave all this and just return back to the old days when we were so happy. I used to think before that this is the very good circle i am standing in and everyone loves every other person and they will fall back for any of us whenever an unfortunate time comes. Neverthles to be very honest, I had a doubt inside me regarding some persons and their personal traits. The reason being that I had followed their moves very closely and for a long time which entitled me to make such inference. But I was happy and we were happy.

The days started worsening in the last phase when some people started playing it dirty. they wouldnot understand others. They wouldnot value feeling of others. And why they should? They have never valued, it was our fault that we thought that they cared. I was also an ignorant and i had to suffer for that. Then there was someone who thought so higly of himslef and tried to cast a positive impact on others that he was so deserving. I was different. I had a different mindset. I never thought that he was so good. I was not convinced ever. Moreover when he started praising someone, whom i hated and my friends in a different set hated, the hatred for him and disliking for him just started increasing. And in the end it was proved that i was not wrong at any time.

Now the person responsible for the fallout. Should I say that? Yup I should coz I think that this is the person who was responsible for this state. The transition was painful for many so this para is very importnat ion this story. I can still remember the very first day of my college. My parents were talking to some family and then they introduced me to somone in my batch of opposite sex. I smiled and then moved away. I was shy and I was in a hurry and moreover I was not interested in anything more than a smile. The days were going well. I spotted the person in class and initiated the conversation. The other person couldnt identifty me at first but later i was identified. Friends or should i say acquaintances? The latter would be more precise, I suppose. But by the end of second half of my first year, I must agree that i was a friend. It was going well. I was valuing and I was valued too. I am being very honest in saying that. Neverthless at times somethings used to happen that made me uncomfortable. I started seeing other dimension of the personality. Maybe this was the real one and what I used think was just as deceiving as a mirage in the desert on a hot summer afternoon. Even then I was friends with the person. When the last leg of my studies started here in college, I had started feeling kinda hatred towards the person due to some really disturbing things. I parted ways completely and here from something started which was going to part all of us. Being very honest I dont want to blame this person for all. Many more were responsible but some way or the other way I feel that the script writter was this person. Other have to blamed and that too more or less equally. Alleagtions were made against me and they all satrted from other sources whom I had valued. This masquerading, almost broke me.

I survived all this and i recollected myself and taught myself to be tougher and stronger. The slow and painful deforming relationships were evident and they were not letting any chance go away from their hand, where they can hurt us. I was being a mute spectator. I was helpless as I wasnt able to do anything.

I lost friends and I lost so many memories. The sweetness was lost and so were the dreams. The meaning was lost and so was the feeling.

The lake where we used to enjoy so much. The lake where we laughed, danced, played, mocked each other has been poisoned. The lake we were proud of. The surroundings we were proud of. The associations we felt so good about. This all has been lost. Now I dont even want to go near it.

The people responsible for poisoning still live there, play there, laugh there. But the music of the laughter is not there, the splashes of water is not heard anymore and the chirping of birds is not there. the beauty has lost its face. But they are happy and we are trying to be happy. We still think sometimes but they never. They have erased us and the memories and so am I going to do. They all gonna feel the heat coz they have poisoned something which was valued by others. They all gonna pay form it, right here.

And I am reday to see them suffering from the venom which is inside them. Coz I beleive in GOD.

The journey starts here

I have been reclusive from this place now and then. I have created account here previously, but then never cared to post and I forgot the userid, passwd and everything about them. I was always inquisitive about blogs and i always wanted to publish my thoughts and writtings here on web. It has started being difficult for me to manage all those pieces of paper. So now I vow to constantly keep this place updated with my writtings and my thoughts. I will make sure that I dont let this account go in hibernation for long periods.
:)