Now at this corner, it really hurts. When u dont see neone caring about you, from whom u expected. I have written such stuff, but today also i felt so down.
Now i am fearful of just the word.."Friend"... They dont wanna give a damn..after all i am not of their status. They are above me and they feel it so i have been left alone.Is it going to be for something good?
I fear....
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Yes I do partiality. So what?
These words are not mine. Come on. Can it be? No, never. A person deserves them and who may be iterating them to his conscience. He is someone who is at a position he never deserved. He has never inspired me nor he can in future. But one things for sure, I see him and I start to believe that yes luck is something. And that bloody luck can work wonders for you. It can take you to the heights you never dreamed of, and at the very same time it can take you to the depths you have only read in fantasies. I have heard that its hard work that matters and I firmly believe that its solely hard work and ur pure approach towards that hard work that matters. Neverthless I have witnessed many who dint deserved what they got, they used unfair means to reach ahead. All those times, I was a mute spectator as I also believed that God is there and he will not leave any of those. So I kept mum. But yes I have wept when I was alone, not coz others succeded but coz I failed where I shouldnt have failed.
So I was talking about some person X. Now onwards I am gonna refer to him as X.
So it was post summer of 2003, to be precise month of July, when I saw Mr X. There was an important course that he was going to take. The course is one of the backbones of CSE. It was very important as it was going to form the base for all future courses. Anyways so here is Mr X. We had entered the second year of our college life. Seniors said that he is a very good fellow, he teaches very well and blah blah. Actually we had our first insight of Mr X as soon as we entererd college. When we had joined he was taking the same subject of our seniors and when the seniors were going for first minor, we saw them carrying books. We wondered!! And we came to know that the exam is open book! to our surprise!! And when the marks came, it was again to our surprise. Everyone in the class got in the range of 0.25 - 2 out of 15. What this guy has done? What has he asked in the paper? these all things we used to ask among friends. never mind, now it was our turn to bite the bullet. As the course started I was not at all comforatble as he used a totally different approach. he refrained us from consulting books. Never taught what was supposed to taught and always focussed on what should have been a part of some other course! There were some brilliant students in our class and they were really brilliant. They were catching up with him, but most of us faltered. All those students were in his eyes for all good resons and their intelligence. But herefrom started what shouldnt have been. A partial approach in lectures, labs and tutorials. I will write another blog about that. But after the start of that semester he said that he is leaving this institute and going to join some good college. Now the college he had said that he will be joining wa sreally good. We were ignorant, I must say ignorant as we tried to stop him. one thing I regret, I signed the applciation which was floating in the class to make him stay here. And he stopped, and we regretted. Till date , we are regretting :(
So as the semester progressed we were learning nothing but MS Word and story telling :) Every one was slowly n slowly turning into a story teller as we had to write stories and we had to think. Think without any base. And he started showing partial approach to us. I am not envying those good students. But from whom he considered "The Brilliant Set" one was the most undeserving. Some of us a re still clueless as to why Mr X praises him so much. He praises him n gives his examples.
He took advanced version of the course in 4th semester and the lab assistants he had for the course knew nothing,except one, and they were also praising some and always humiliating others for the charges of stealing, copying and all rubbish. Some people were influencing lab intructors to gain unethical marks. Any how Mr X thought that only some persons deserved his attention and his colleauge's attention. So we were left unattended, which led to disinterest in the subjects he taught and ur understanding of those subjects suffered.
He is still practising his partial approaches. He thinks highly of two. These two are very special for him. He arranged job for both of them at his personal level. Now he is forwarding resumes of some set of persons determined by him and one of his most loyal student for a top notch company. The criterion for getting a chance to forward you resume. The first is that you should have attended hi course in 6th semester and intersect this set with the set which his most loyal student maintains. The set maintaines by his most loyal student is of his friends. So If you are in the intersection of these two sets, then you lucky man. See luck came here too! and then only you will get a chance to try for an employment with that dream company.
No i dint get a chance. ANd i feel good about it. I dont even want that chance given by Mr X. I am capable enough that I can search oppurtunities on myself. And that will give me satisfaction, personal peace which I feel is most important. cause I am not one of those who have forked tongue. I am not a hypocrat.
I am just myself and I am proud of it.
So I was talking about some person X. Now onwards I am gonna refer to him as X.
So it was post summer of 2003, to be precise month of July, when I saw Mr X. There was an important course that he was going to take. The course is one of the backbones of CSE. It was very important as it was going to form the base for all future courses. Anyways so here is Mr X. We had entered the second year of our college life. Seniors said that he is a very good fellow, he teaches very well and blah blah. Actually we had our first insight of Mr X as soon as we entererd college. When we had joined he was taking the same subject of our seniors and when the seniors were going for first minor, we saw them carrying books. We wondered!! And we came to know that the exam is open book! to our surprise!! And when the marks came, it was again to our surprise. Everyone in the class got in the range of 0.25 - 2 out of 15. What this guy has done? What has he asked in the paper? these all things we used to ask among friends. never mind, now it was our turn to bite the bullet. As the course started I was not at all comforatble as he used a totally different approach. he refrained us from consulting books. Never taught what was supposed to taught and always focussed on what should have been a part of some other course! There were some brilliant students in our class and they were really brilliant. They were catching up with him, but most of us faltered. All those students were in his eyes for all good resons and their intelligence. But herefrom started what shouldnt have been. A partial approach in lectures, labs and tutorials. I will write another blog about that. But after the start of that semester he said that he is leaving this institute and going to join some good college. Now the college he had said that he will be joining wa sreally good. We were ignorant, I must say ignorant as we tried to stop him. one thing I regret, I signed the applciation which was floating in the class to make him stay here. And he stopped, and we regretted. Till date , we are regretting :(
So as the semester progressed we were learning nothing but MS Word and story telling :) Every one was slowly n slowly turning into a story teller as we had to write stories and we had to think. Think without any base. And he started showing partial approach to us. I am not envying those good students. But from whom he considered "The Brilliant Set" one was the most undeserving. Some of us a re still clueless as to why Mr X praises him so much. He praises him n gives his examples.
He took advanced version of the course in 4th semester and the lab assistants he had for the course knew nothing,except one, and they were also praising some and always humiliating others for the charges of stealing, copying and all rubbish. Some people were influencing lab intructors to gain unethical marks. Any how Mr X thought that only some persons deserved his attention and his colleauge's attention. So we were left unattended, which led to disinterest in the subjects he taught and ur understanding of those subjects suffered.
He is still practising his partial approaches. He thinks highly of two. These two are very special for him. He arranged job for both of them at his personal level. Now he is forwarding resumes of some set of persons determined by him and one of his most loyal student for a top notch company. The criterion for getting a chance to forward you resume. The first is that you should have attended hi course in 6th semester and intersect this set with the set which his most loyal student maintains. The set maintaines by his most loyal student is of his friends. So If you are in the intersection of these two sets, then you lucky man. See luck came here too! and then only you will get a chance to try for an employment with that dream company.
No i dint get a chance. ANd i feel good about it. I dont even want that chance given by Mr X. I am capable enough that I can search oppurtunities on myself. And that will give me satisfaction, personal peace which I feel is most important. cause I am not one of those who have forked tongue. I am not a hypocrat.
I am just myself and I am proud of it.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
The Lost
And when I turn back to see..I see nothing...Theres a nothingness thats engulfing me... Why the hell r ppl here so cunning..y cant every one be fair to every other? Y do u have to show ur two headed persona every time?
Cant u live a a simple being? Y is it so that u r jealous of every other person near u? Y cant u get happiness in ur friends happiness? Y r u presenting a pretty face when at the innards u r just a damn ugly entity. Hey y cant u figure out that beauty is not all determined by the exterior looks but its the beauty of ur interior..ur thoughts ..ur mind... I know u wont listen to this even now..Coz u dont wanna change...
I want to steer ahead of this f***ing world ..where very few care for others..U may be standing in a mob of friends but ther will be very few who will stand behind you....very few to give u that bit of emotional strength u will look up to at times...
I have lost....lost battles ..lost "so-called" friends...but i think that its good be alone rather than having a bunch of idiots besides you who are not considering u a friend.....they are just their for their own motives...
Will be Happy this way coz I know I will have someone by my side..throught my life...and I m too gonna stand for that someone thru my last breath....
Cheers for 'YOU'
Cant u live a a simple being? Y is it so that u r jealous of every other person near u? Y cant u get happiness in ur friends happiness? Y r u presenting a pretty face when at the innards u r just a damn ugly entity. Hey y cant u figure out that beauty is not all determined by the exterior looks but its the beauty of ur interior..ur thoughts ..ur mind... I know u wont listen to this even now..Coz u dont wanna change...
I want to steer ahead of this f***ing world ..where very few care for others..U may be standing in a mob of friends but ther will be very few who will stand behind you....very few to give u that bit of emotional strength u will look up to at times...
I have lost....lost battles ..lost "so-called" friends...but i think that its good be alone rather than having a bunch of idiots besides you who are not considering u a friend.....they are just their for their own motives...
Will be Happy this way coz I know I will have someone by my side..throught my life...and I m too gonna stand for that someone thru my last breath....
Cheers for 'YOU'
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Forgotten
I have failed to erase it completely from my mind. The thoughts and the flashbacks continue to haunt me. The anger alleviates and it pulls me from these disturbing surroundings and thoughts. Thanks to the anger inside me. Thanks to the latent hatred for them inside me. I have not been so bad to them either. This hatred has aggravated due to their deeds only. Time and again I tried to sanitize this all. But they never wanted to be with us, they never wanted to leave all this and just return back to the old days when we were so happy. I used to think before that this is the very good circle i am standing in and everyone loves every other person and they will fall back for any of us whenever an unfortunate time comes. Neverthles to be very honest, I had a doubt inside me regarding some persons and their personal traits. The reason being that I had followed their moves very closely and for a long time which entitled me to make such inference. But I was happy and we were happy.
The days started worsening in the last phase when some people started playing it dirty. they wouldnot understand others. They wouldnot value feeling of others. And why they should? They have never valued, it was our fault that we thought that they cared. I was also an ignorant and i had to suffer for that. Then there was someone who thought so higly of himslef and tried to cast a positive impact on others that he was so deserving. I was different. I had a different mindset. I never thought that he was so good. I was not convinced ever. Moreover when he started praising someone, whom i hated and my friends in a different set hated, the hatred for him and disliking for him just started increasing. And in the end it was proved that i was not wrong at any time.
Now the person responsible for the fallout. Should I say that? Yup I should coz I think that this is the person who was responsible for this state. The transition was painful for many so this para is very importnat ion this story. I can still remember the very first day of my college. My parents were talking to some family and then they introduced me to somone in my batch of opposite sex. I smiled and then moved away. I was shy and I was in a hurry and moreover I was not interested in anything more than a smile. The days were going well. I spotted the person in class and initiated the conversation. The other person couldnt identifty me at first but later i was identified. Friends or should i say acquaintances? The latter would be more precise, I suppose. But by the end of second half of my first year, I must agree that i was a friend. It was going well. I was valuing and I was valued too. I am being very honest in saying that. Neverthless at times somethings used to happen that made me uncomfortable. I started seeing other dimension of the personality. Maybe this was the real one and what I used think was just as deceiving as a mirage in the desert on a hot summer afternoon. Even then I was friends with the person. When the last leg of my studies started here in college, I had started feeling kinda hatred towards the person due to some really disturbing things. I parted ways completely and here from something started which was going to part all of us. Being very honest I dont want to blame this person for all. Many more were responsible but some way or the other way I feel that the script writter was this person. Other have to blamed and that too more or less equally. Alleagtions were made against me and they all satrted from other sources whom I had valued. This masquerading, almost broke me.
I survived all this and i recollected myself and taught myself to be tougher and stronger. The slow and painful deforming relationships were evident and they were not letting any chance go away from their hand, where they can hurt us. I was being a mute spectator. I was helpless as I wasnt able to do anything.
I lost friends and I lost so many memories. The sweetness was lost and so were the dreams. The meaning was lost and so was the feeling.
The lake where we used to enjoy so much. The lake where we laughed, danced, played, mocked each other has been poisoned. The lake we were proud of. The surroundings we were proud of. The associations we felt so good about. This all has been lost. Now I dont even want to go near it.
The people responsible for poisoning still live there, play there, laugh there. But the music of the laughter is not there, the splashes of water is not heard anymore and the chirping of birds is not there. the beauty has lost its face. But they are happy and we are trying to be happy. We still think sometimes but they never. They have erased us and the memories and so am I going to do. They all gonna feel the heat coz they have poisoned something which was valued by others. They all gonna pay form it, right here.
And I am reday to see them suffering from the venom which is inside them. Coz I beleive in GOD.
The days started worsening in the last phase when some people started playing it dirty. they wouldnot understand others. They wouldnot value feeling of others. And why they should? They have never valued, it was our fault that we thought that they cared. I was also an ignorant and i had to suffer for that. Then there was someone who thought so higly of himslef and tried to cast a positive impact on others that he was so deserving. I was different. I had a different mindset. I never thought that he was so good. I was not convinced ever. Moreover when he started praising someone, whom i hated and my friends in a different set hated, the hatred for him and disliking for him just started increasing. And in the end it was proved that i was not wrong at any time.
Now the person responsible for the fallout. Should I say that? Yup I should coz I think that this is the person who was responsible for this state. The transition was painful for many so this para is very importnat ion this story. I can still remember the very first day of my college. My parents were talking to some family and then they introduced me to somone in my batch of opposite sex. I smiled and then moved away. I was shy and I was in a hurry and moreover I was not interested in anything more than a smile. The days were going well. I spotted the person in class and initiated the conversation. The other person couldnt identifty me at first but later i was identified. Friends or should i say acquaintances? The latter would be more precise, I suppose. But by the end of second half of my first year, I must agree that i was a friend. It was going well. I was valuing and I was valued too. I am being very honest in saying that. Neverthless at times somethings used to happen that made me uncomfortable. I started seeing other dimension of the personality. Maybe this was the real one and what I used think was just as deceiving as a mirage in the desert on a hot summer afternoon. Even then I was friends with the person. When the last leg of my studies started here in college, I had started feeling kinda hatred towards the person due to some really disturbing things. I parted ways completely and here from something started which was going to part all of us. Being very honest I dont want to blame this person for all. Many more were responsible but some way or the other way I feel that the script writter was this person. Other have to blamed and that too more or less equally. Alleagtions were made against me and they all satrted from other sources whom I had valued. This masquerading, almost broke me.
I survived all this and i recollected myself and taught myself to be tougher and stronger. The slow and painful deforming relationships were evident and they were not letting any chance go away from their hand, where they can hurt us. I was being a mute spectator. I was helpless as I wasnt able to do anything.
I lost friends and I lost so many memories. The sweetness was lost and so were the dreams. The meaning was lost and so was the feeling.
The lake where we used to enjoy so much. The lake where we laughed, danced, played, mocked each other has been poisoned. The lake we were proud of. The surroundings we were proud of. The associations we felt so good about. This all has been lost. Now I dont even want to go near it.
The people responsible for poisoning still live there, play there, laugh there. But the music of the laughter is not there, the splashes of water is not heard anymore and the chirping of birds is not there. the beauty has lost its face. But they are happy and we are trying to be happy. We still think sometimes but they never. They have erased us and the memories and so am I going to do. They all gonna feel the heat coz they have poisoned something which was valued by others. They all gonna pay form it, right here.
And I am reday to see them suffering from the venom which is inside them. Coz I beleive in GOD.
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